Eric and I have a date tonight. That happens very seldom and with his current work schedule, I am very excited. I thought I would make myself "pretty" last night to prepare for the big day. I went and got my hair cut (much shorter than anticipated) and purchased a hair color and highlight kit (light warm brown and blonde highlights).
I got home, prepped everything for the color (put on my hair color nightshirt, laid down towels, etc). I put the color on my hair and although it looked black, the box said "don’t worry if your hair looks different than the result you want". Well, no worries then, moving on! I decided that I should save the gloves because I thought I might wax my legs later, and the wax sometimes gets messy. I washed my hands with the gloves on to remove the hair color and preserve the gloves. One glove filled with water. It was kind of funny, so I giggled to myself thinking of those weird people who blow up gloves and pretend they are chickens. Instead of removing the glove to let out the water, I raised my hand to let the water run out, and it did; right down to my armpit. That was stupid. I should have let that be my first clue, just turned off the bathroom light and called it a night. I was obviously not in a "smart" kind of mood to undertake something like this. But, I didn’t realize that at the time.
DING! It was time to rinse my hair. I went to the sink and scalded myself, but rinsed the color. I removed the towel and HOLY COW! Carrot orange. Not a big deal, that was just a 'base coat', I could just do it again. I mean, at that point I looked like a male Pippy Longstocking. Since my hair was now so short, I just used the other half of the bottle and colored it again. I thought I would multi-task and wax my legs at the same time, like I have done many times in the past. I spread the wax on my right shin, put on the paper, ripped off the paper, OUCH! But wait, the wax was still on my leg and the consistency of a strange goo. Weird. 3, 4, 5, 6 times with the paper. Something was seriously wrong with the wax. I realized that it was just not going to happen. I had to just wash it off. I was disappointed because that summer I had a waxing problem but I used the "no strips" kind and it was a mess. I vowed to NEVER go without strips again, because they ALWAYS work. Yeah right.
Anyway, "DING". Oops, first I had to rinse coat 2 of hair color out. While I was at the sink rinsing my hair, Kitty started loving with me and rubbing all over my legs. Kitty is never nice to me! I realized it was sweet, but suddenly Kitty was mad and screaming! Although the wax didn’t take the hair off my legs, it did take the hair off Kitty's side and put it on my legs. Damn. Who has more hair on them after waxing than before they started!?!? I had to worry about that later after checking my hair color. I took off the towel and was less orange, more fire engine red. Such is life.
I took a second and looked in the mirror. I mean really looked. I had bright red hair sticking up from the towel dry, mascara running down my cheeks from the rinse, my nightgown was tucked into my underpants (to keep it from hitting the wax on my leg), and I had one leg that now had cat hair and some of the bathroom rug (still don’t know how that happened) stuck to it. I was mad and realized it was Clairol’s fault. I called their hotline, so that I could give them a piece of my mind and maybe get a coupon out of the deal. They weren’t there.
I decided I better highlight my hair in an effort to tone down the red of course (third color in 2 hours). I put the highlight on and realized that I would have to take care of my "wax problem" while I waited for the highlight to set. I tried a hot washcloth to warm up the wax a little. That didn’t work, but did add a layer of burgundy washcloth lint to my leg and I had to throw away the washcloth, as it was a waxy sticky mess. I went to the garage and pulled out Eric’s extra strength "Goop". If it could remove grease, tar, and man stuff, it could surely remove wax! I was wrong, although I did smell nice with the combo of the vanilla scented wax with the Orange scented goop.
My next attempt was body wash on my loofa (not a poof, a LOOFA), and not a light wash, a SCRUB, and I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed a little more for good measure. Nothing. My next attempt was
fingernail polish remover. I didn’t have any turpentine or mineral spirits or that would have been next. Apparently I scrubbed a little hard with the loofa because the fingernail polish caused a blinding "sting" that wouldn’t stop. My next stop was to call Sally Hansen’s hotline to give Sally a piece of my mind and maybe get a coupon out of the deal. I learned that they are only open until 7:00 pm. Who waxes their legs before 7? Come on!!.
I went online to search "wax removal". I found nothing except how to remove candle wax from carpet. Thinking wax is wax, I found that I had two options. My first option was to put a towel over the wax and use an iron to melt it. Although I was very tempted for a minute, I chose not to go that route. The story would be too long for the Dr. in the ER. Instead I tried option number 2. ICE. Supposedly you can freeze wax and peel it off which sounded like a piece of cake. Halfway into my "icing" routine, my highlight dinger went off. Since I didn’t want to back out on the progress I had made, I used a towel to tie some ice to my leg and leave it there.
I rinsed my hair which was still a mess. I felt it to be the least of my concerns at that moment! I took off the towel and the ice and used my finger to "peel off the wax". That didn’t work, but two of my fingers got stuck together with wax. Eventually when I found the antidote to remove the wax from my legs, I would also have to do it to my fingers. Out of desperation (and midnight stupidity) I wrapped a paper towel around a butter knife to try to "scrape" the wax off. No luck, but I added paper towel rippings to the mess on my leg.
Finally I went to Sally Hansen’s website. It said that you can use the soothing Azulene Oil that comes with the kit to easily remove leftover wax residue. I alone in my basement burst into laughter. Not the kind of laughter like "Wow, this is quite a humorous situation I’m in", but more of the kind of laughter you laugh when you are ready to go to Walgreen’s with your shirt tucked into your underpants and punch the cosmetic clerk who said this was easy. I gained my composure and went back to the bathroom and found the soothing Azulene Oil. I poured a little on my leg, rubbed it a little and the wax turned into a little ball and gently removed from my leg. In a quiet, calm rage I put the oil, the wax, and the strips into their cute little box, and placed them in the trash while I said calmly with a tear in my eye "screw you Sally Hansen. I hate you. I really really do."
I then looked in the mirror again. I was still looking sad, and began to realize the magnitude of what I had done to my hair. I decided to give the hair color girl on the box a piece of my mind too. It wouldn’t be nice to take all of my anger out on the Sally Hansen girl, would it? I said to her sarcastically (and I think that she heard me) "Oh, look at me, I’m the pretty Clairol girl. I have BROWN hair, the box says brown, but I’m kidding, it’s really red". There was nothing I could do then, I certainly wasn’t going to go to Walgreens for another color. That would be dangerous for all involved. I again stood back and looked at myself. What a mess. On top of the hair, mascara runs, nightshirt tucked into my underwear (which I probably could have untucked by now since my leg was fixed, but chose to just leave it that way), my eyes were now blood shot and my face was flushed. I was so sad.
I curled my hair, and put on all of my make up. Mascara, lipstick, everything. The makeup and style helped a little. I had a glass of water and went to bed, make up and all. I have vowed to never try and save a buck on salon visits, and if Eric doesn’t say that I’m pretty today, he better sleep with one eye open. I know where that waxing kit is, and I'm not afraid to use it on him next!
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