Our internet service is currently down. I'm typing my blog in Word and will just cut and paste it. Cox Communications can't find our account looking up by our phone number, social security number, or account number. Eric's freaking out on the poor phone service guy saying that he is working on a State Educational Service something and the gateway is wide open for anyone to tap into without protection because he can't do something. It's not funny because it sounds pretty serious, but I do feel sorry for the poor soul on the other line. It's kind of like when we went shopping for a new computer a few months ago.
Now, as if this isn't obvious, I'm love my husband and think he is the greatest man alive. I don't know if that's true, or if love is blind. We went into the stores searching for computers as any couple would. For work, Eric wears his glasses, his shirt and slacks, handsome, but only missing his pocket protector. Just kidding of course, but someone wouldn't be suprised when he said that he's a programmer. On the weekend, he's Eric. The Eric that I know with the baseball hat on backwards, stylishly holy jeans and a hoodie. Not very programmer-esk.
We entered each store, Best Buy, Office Depot, The Apple Store, Office Max, etc. The more experience we had with this shopping, the more I dreaded the approaching sales clerk. The one who would say "You don't really need 2GB, that's only for people who use the computer a lot", or "There's nothing wrong with Vista". Keep in mind that I am doing good to log in and remember what it means when it says "Enter your password". And I still don't understand the logic behind the weird squiggly letters that you have to copy when you log into a secure website.*
* Eric, as you read this, this is not an invitiation for you to give me a disertation on what the squiggly letters are.
So, back on track. I know little about computers, so I struggle to tell you what it's like shopping with Eric because I can't use any of the jargon. So, for the sake of this blog, we'll pretend that Eric's a manager for McDonald's and we are going in to buy a hamburger. These are terms that I can understand and use as an example.
Eric: Hi. I'd like to order a hamburger please.
Clerk: Wouldn't you rather have a cheeseburger?
Eric: No thank you. I'd like to have a hamburger.
Clerk: What about a Big Mac?
Eric: No thank you. Just a hamburger.
Clerk: I think you will be returning the hamburger within 10 minutes because you will wish you had gotten a cheeseburger.
Eric: NO, I specifically asked for a hamburger. If I wanted a cheeseburger, I would have preceeded HAMBURGER with the word cheese.
Clerk: Well, I don't want to offend you, I'm just saying, I don't know if you understand just how much of an impact the cheese has on a hamburger.
In case you wonder where I am in this point of the conversation, I'm standing behind Eric, facing the clerk, frantically waving my hand in front of my neck. The universal sign saying "for the love of God, all that is holy and for your own safety and self preservation, SHUT UP!!!"
Eric: Please, would you like to sell me a hamburger, or should I just go to Burger King?
Clerk: Well, I certainly don't want you to go to burger king. I just don't want you to make an uneducated decision based on propaganda. I want to be sure that I'm doing my job and helping you understand what you are missing when you order just a hamburger. At this point I start to back away. I can feel the heat from Eric's nostrils starting to get warmer and warmer meaning that flames will be spewing from them momentarily.
Eric: Listen ...... "Stewart".... That's your name right? I'm reading it from your nametag. What are you credentials to tell me what I need to purchase in regard to ground beef sandwich products?
Clerk: Well, I did go to McCollege and was the McEmployee of the month twice, in July of 2005, and October 2007. I also train new McEmployees on the importance of ground beef and vegetable McSafety.
Eric: Well Stewart, I have been the District and Regional managers for McDonalds for 14 years. I began my career at the Air Force Stragetic Command kiosk McDonalds serving hamburgers AND cheeseburgers to generals, heads of state and even the President once. I can tell you that each of these MCOfficials preferred the standard hamburger to the cheeseburger. WHY? Because cheese adds 80 extra calories of which is mostly fat. When in reality if the hamburger is made property the onion and pickle ratio of 4 pickles to 2 teaspoons of dehydrated onions evenly spread over the hamburger adds enough flavor to negate the need for cheese. As for the Big Mac, HA! Unless you are planning to eat enough food for 3 people at a meal, it's totally unnecessary. Your average Joe Schmo off the street is not going to need to eat the food of 3 people. In fact, the average Joe Schmo really only needs to eat one small fry that comes in the little paper packaging. But they don't! Why? Because punks like you try to convince them that they need to eat a cheeseburger, a big mac and a McFish because a simple small fry won't be enough to satisfy their appetite. The average non-educated consumer who doesn't know better trusts you with your big McDegree and McEmployee of the month McPlaque and will purchase the additional food which will add 10 extra pounds to their hips and take an extra $5.00 out of their pocket when they really never wanted it to begin with. So. Are you ready to sell me a hamburger?
Clerk: Well Mr. Customer, you seem to be quite experienced with McDonald's products. I'll be happy to ring up your hamburger now. I would normally ask if you would like fries with that, but I think I know the answer.
Eric: Good. Thank you.
And it goes on, and the rest of the sale is history. Usually by this time the clerk has thrown in a printer and has upgraded the size of the monitor for good measure.
Eric knows this story wouldn't be complete without adding the Walmart video game experience. We were shopping for computer video games for Zach over Christmas. We were at Walmart and looking for something like Cars or Thrillville, or something along those lines. Out of nowhere, Napoleon Dynamite's long lost twin appeared, who was also an employee of Walmart.
NDT (Napoleon Dynamite Twin): Hello. If I may make a suggestion....
Me: Um, ok?
NDT: You are wasting your time looking at these games when you can simply buy this package here which is the same price and has 10 games in it.
Me: Well, we appreciate the tip, however we are searching for an eight year old.
NDT: Any age group can play these games.
Me: I would respectfully disagree. "Death Match 4", "Brothel Tycoon", "Kill your deer hunting buddy in the field" and "Grand Theft Auto Burbon Street" don't seem appropriate for an 8 year old.
NDT: My parents raised me without limitations. I played these games when I was your son's age and it raised me to be aware that the media and society put enough limitations on us.
Eric: Yeah, but he's EIGHT! I think we'll stick with Mario Cart.
NDT: That's your perogative.
Eric: Hmmm, It would appear that Mario Cart doesn't run with Vista.
NDT: Yes it does.
Eric: No, the box specifically says "Mario Cart won't run on Vista".
NDT: It will run on Vista.
Eric: No, Vista doesn't have the such and such fancy computer doohicky.
NDT: INCORRECT!!! (you think I'm exageratting, I'm not, this really happened)
Eric: Excuse me?
NDT: You are incorrect! Vista does have the such and such fancy computer doohicky.
Eric: Rant rant rant, I'm a programmer and know things, you are a kid and don't, and computer talk computer talk, computer talk.
NDT: Well, I didn't realize that computer talk, computer talk, computer talk.
Eric: Yes, more computer talk....
I walked away and went to look at candles. Laughing as I looked back and Eric gave me the "How dare you leave me alone with this guy" look.
I'm still waiting for payback on that one.
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